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September 8th, 2006
02:38 pm - lust
Left on a sigh
sweet gentle lips
dreaming just now
of one tender kiss
his lingering taste
his scorching eyes
fired with passion
deep burning desire
NM
Current Mood:  mischievous
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August 31st, 2006
01:30 pm - Lily
A Lily on the water
Flourishing in its beauty
Lone, pure, and white
Majestic in it's clarity
Ripples carry the stories
Of a thousand loves unknown
Fading beneath the Lily
Absorbed into it's soul
The Lily carries on
What time has washed away
Until it season ends
And it too will fade away
NM
Current Mood:  cheerful
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April 5th, 2006
09:17 am - love begrudged
that distant stare
that kept me away
just beyond the secret
that would make me stay
i didn't want to love him
but he opened me up
with every secret fear
and every door that shut
i wanted to mend
his wounded heart
instead i was giving
all of myself
NM
Current Mood:  sleepy
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April 2nd, 2006
10:06 pm - frustrated
just feeling a little frustrated and i need to vent. what i really want to do is hit something, but i am trying to be non violent. did you ever want something so bad, but it just seem barely out of oyur reach? that is how i am with this guy, he sends me mixed messages. he says it is just because he is laid back, but what i feel is that he just doesn't care about me. what can i expect, maybe i am not worth the effort to him, i wouldn't blame him. i don't know i am just upset. i want to be with him so bad. i am a mess.
Current Mood:  frustrated
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March 31st, 2006
08:35 am - song of fate
a song in the night
tells a tragic tale
it sings of a love
that was destined to fail
sung by an angel
with a voice full of sorrow
it sings of my death
my last tomorrow
a song of my love
that turned into hate
a song of the future
a song of my fate
NM
Current Mood:  nostalgic
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March 28th, 2006
09:38 am - confused
this is so confusing. one minute i think it's over with this guy, and the next he is treating me like i am all there is. i hate playing games, but i don't really think that is what he is trying to do, i think he just doesn't know yet. i guess i am used to always being in control, and if i want to try to be with this guy i will have to be patient. i kept trying to tell myself he wasn't worth it, but i am starting to think he is. last night he was just staring at me and smiling, so i asked him why, and he told me he thought i was beautiful, no big deal right? the big deal was he said it was because of who i am, my personality, not my looks. i mean guys have said i was pretty, beautiful, hot, whatever, but usually they just wanted to sleep with me. either this guy has really good game, or he means it. i am a little bit afraid of him. i don't want to get attached, but he makes it hard not too. i keep trying to talk myself out of caring for him. he's not perfect, he just has that something that won't let me walk away.
NM
Current Mood:  confused
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March 25th, 2006
02:19 pm - a new day
so the roles have reversed. he asked for space and i gave it to him. i do not like playing games. i am a very honest person. now that i am not giving him all my attention, it seems he is desperate for it. i don't get guys, they are terrified of commitment, but when you keep yourself at a safe distance they refuse to let you go. i am so confused. my feeling are all muddled. who knows, but i do know that if someone comes along who is willing to be what i need and actually let me in, i will not hold back for someone who keeps pushing me away. i am tired of being on the back burner, and this thing was moving to fast anyway. i don't really want to get serious with anybody, but at least i learned that for me there is no such thing as sex without feelings. i just can't do it. i have been with very few men, and i don't want to sleep with anyone who doesn't care for me and want a relationship. who knows what will happen now, but the lines are drawn, and i am keeping on my side.
Current Mood:  aggravated
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March 23rd, 2006
12:18 pm
i guess it is time to quit writing rhymes and start being real. the truth is that i am lonely and this man in my life is amazing, but he keeps me at a distance. the thing is, i can't tell the difference between real feelings and this screaming desperation to be with someone real. i am terrified that love doesn't exist. Maybe it does, but i am incapable of it. it is always me who walks away. maybe that is why i keep asking him to get closer. he is elusive and and evasive. he is one of the few who doesn't succumb to me. it's not that i am beautiful. that is not what keeps the men with me. it is that i have tangible sexuality and a sensual mysteriousness. i know how to use my attributes to advantage. it is all an act, inside i am just a lonely soul with no truth to hide. i hate myself, but i pretend to have total control and confidence. i don't know how much longer i can maintin this illusion.
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March 22nd, 2006
04:13 pm - numb
murky opaque my mind
how can i make it bleed
where did the feeling go
what keeps that heat from me
the numbness spreads
its arms around the breath
the single agonal sound
of a slowly painful death
sleep that elusive night
that calls its bitter song
the echoe of the words
where we both went wrong
NM
Current Mood:  exhausted
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March 17th, 2006
07:26 pm
sometimes i just feel absolutely hopeless. i know i have done bad things, and i don't deserve to be happy, but that doesn't mean i don't want to be happy. i get really confused. i am always afraid. the thing i fear most is myself. i feel like i am always grasping for something. some small comfort. i hate myself. i hate the way i look, the way i act, the things i do. i am filled with self loathing and discontent.
NM
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05:32 pm
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. so frustrated.
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March 16th, 2006
08:58 am - hopeless
i think way too much. i have no sense of self worth. when i look athim iknow he sees it. that i am not good enough. the only time i feel good is when i write or sing. i can find hope in those moments. i can find good ness in myself when i lift my voice in worship.
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March 14th, 2006
09:58 am - more than i can handle
he is such a man. he is so beautiful. not just looks either. he has the heart and the mind. he scares me a little. i know i can't keep him. guys like that don't stay with girls who are just cute. they stay with women who are beautiful. oh well, guess i'll just enjoy the stolen moments.
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March 13th, 2006
04:28 pm - fear
i can't keep it at bay. i won't give people a chance bacause of this tightening gripping panic. the thing is, i am the one who can't be trusted. i am weak. i give in to every impulse without a thought to the consequences. i used to be so controlled. i was good, full of light, laughter and promise. now the shadows show behind my smiles. i hide with in that facade of gentle kindness. i do want to help people, there is still that central core of compassion and endless love, but i can't get away from the horrible mistakes i keep making. i really want to believ that the man i met is not just looking for sex, but my own fear clouds reality. should i give him the cahnce to hurt me, or worse yet, for me to hurt him? the terrifying things is that i know exaclty the kind of hurt i am capable of. i don't do it intentionally, it just kind of edges in and takes over before i can think. i don't want to be a bad person. i pray to god to help me be patient and kind. i am soooo scared.
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11:05 am
lost in between being
waiting for life to find me
the answer to every question
dreams blows in dusty wind
disappearing into a scorched night
desert spread across my vision
i can't remember the beauty
beauty that lived in my home
in the tinkling laughter
the sweet smell of youth
soft arms holding so tightly
keeping us from the bleak day
NM
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March 10th, 2006
03:51 pm - flight of colors
their vulgarity sickens
it reaches, seeking to corrupt
but it cannot touch me
i fly with gossamer wings
away from the rough edges
high into the warmth of cerrulean skies
sweet tase on hungry lips
covered by the kaleidescope
masked by beauty of colors
NM
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10:24 am - ME AGAIN
for the first time in a long time i felt like me again last night. i was helping someone because they neede me, and it felt good to be usefull again. i reall am a kind person, but in the past year i lost myself a little and was angry all the time. i think i am healing, learning to be kind and compassionate again. i like helping people. always have, but i forgot.
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10:00 am - mass production
they have no kindness
cruel opaque eyes
hands grasping and reaching
trying to take me
tangle me in their arms
lose myself in them
become one of the drones
empty with no soul
a bottomless pit of anguish
smelling of rancid bodies
sickly sweet with the death of love
NM
p.s. i am not crazy, just slightly deprssed and that's when i write stuff like this.
p.s.s. oh hell maybe everyone's got a little crazy in them. helps the creativity.
Current Mood: aggravated
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09:56 am - LAST NIGHT
last night was good. i don't usually smoke though and i did last night. now it is all i can tast, i really hate cigarettes. i met a really nice guy. i really don't believe in meeting guys at bars, i am rather old fashioned at heart, but this guy was a real sweet heart. he is a marine and he has this rule about not kissing random girls at the bar. i think that says good things. he even called me that night to tell me he got home ok, because i was worrying about him driving after the bar. very considerate. i am sure he probably is just being nice to me, but he did tell me he thought i was very pretty. overall it was positive.
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March 8th, 2006
01:36 pm - divorce ugh!
so i spent most of the morning reading my divorce book. i am doing it myself, and it is hard! not really, just annoying and kind of sad. i am resigned to the sadness by now. it's all part of the lonliness i guess. anyway, tomorrow is my friends 21st and we are all going out to celebrate. i decided i need a 6 drink limit this time. it is so sad that at twenty-two i am already getting a divoce and am well on my way downhill. ugh!!!!!!!!! i feel so old. my friends are all getting ready to settle down, and i just want to be free of my chains(husband #1)(just a joke, not more than one husband yet). i always look forward to the drunken haze, but tomorrow i have to remain somewhat alert be cause i have to work at 9am. so just a buzz is all, which sucks, cuz i have a designated driver and everything. so sad that i like to drink so much. i'm not really an alcoholic, i am just going through some serious shit right now, and alcohol dulls the pain, if only momentarily. blah, i am pathetic.
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